My Life Song

I haven't written in awhile. A few months actually. I've been busy in the span between the last post and now filling my time with big decisions, life celebrations, and staying busy in the sometimes mundane routine of life. I've celebrated big birthdays and big accomplishments with my family, had new adventures with friends, and taken chances just for the sake of taking them. Chances that will all make sense one day. To say that things have been a bit crazy recently would be an understatement but somehow, in the midst of everything, I feel content with where I am and where I am heading.

I heard a song recently that I couldn't relate to more and wanted to share it with you. It's a song that reflects my inner-most desire to live a life that values the small things and a life that realizes the importance of all the moments that truly matter. Music has such a way of meeting you where you are and turning the inner-weaving's of your spirit into beautiful melodies. For now, I'm calling it my life song because it fits where I am at this exact moment. Next month or next year another song may fit a bit better but that is part of the beauty of music: there is always another sweet melody waiting to capture you wherever you are.  The song is by Lori Mckenna and it's titled " The Most".

The Most by: Lori McKenna

My life is a grocery store line

A "We'll be just fine"

Don't know how we survive but we do

My life is an early spring snow

The last thread of hope

That I just keep hanging on to

My life is pieces of paper that I'll get back to later

I'll write you a story of how I ended up here

Why the little things make us and how long it takes us

To figure out what matters the most...

My life is a two dollar beer

Friday nights here

With friends that I've known since high school

My life is an order to go

A rainy car ride back home

And someone you love to lay next to

My life is pieces of paper that I'll get back to later

I'll write you a story, how I ended up here

Why the little things make us and how long it takes us 

To figure out what matters the most...

Someday well I'll look back and wonder

Someday comes around a little quicker than they told you

Asking "Did I do what I was supposed to"

In my life

Don't know why the little things make us and sometimes it takes us

To damn long to figure out what matters the most....

My life is green grass through the snow

A sweet reckless hope

And baby I know...what matters the most

I can relate to this song on so many levels in the way that it not only reflects the life I live now but also the life that I am constantly running towards. I can't tell you how many rainy car rides I've had back home to see my family. And I probably complained the whole way about the traffic and the weather and all the driver's who can't move out of the left lane. But I'm thankful that I live close enough to drive home. Thankful that I have a wonderful family waiting for me when I get there.  So often those things get overlooked or I merely spend so much time complaining about them that I forget to realize that they are the very things that are molding me and shaping me and making me into the person I am to become.

Then there is the part about writing a story of how you ended up where you are. I could do that in the most literal sense. It's one of my most favorite things actually, to look back at my life and see what decisions I made and what experiences I had that led me to the exact point I am at. And when I'm in the middle of the tough stuff, the hard decisions or the why-does-this-hurt-so-bad-i-never-want-to-be-here-again stuff, I try to remember that someday I'll look back and realize why I went through that and what I learned by doing so.

Mostly, though, what I really like about this song are the lines "Someday well I'll look back and wonder/ Someday it comes around a little quicker than they told you/ asking 'did I do what I was supposed to'/ In my life".Right now, I'm at this point of looking back and wondering if I'm doing what I was meant to do. And if I'm not, will I take the chance and make the leap to actually do what I feel I AM supposed to? I hope so because I don't want to look back and wonder, I want to live so fully that I don't even have to ask. I want to pursue my passions, make a difference, and take chances on things that feel like doing and being exactly what I'm meant to.

For me, this song is a reminder that the little things and little moments make us who we are. It makes me keenly aware of the person that I want to be, the person that I'm in the process of becoming, and the person that takes a risk just to make sure they're on the path to doing what they were supposed to with their life. And I hope I'm a person who never stops clinging to a sweet hope, no matter how reckless it seems, or lets go of those little things that truly matter the most.

I hope you'll enjoy this song as much as I do. Listen to it by clicking here.

And since I'm back on the blog, next up will be a photo recap of the last few months for you to enjoy :-)

Lost

Do you ever feel lost? In any way at all?

I do. Often. I feel lost in the realm of possibilities of what my future holds. In the last year alone I've been accepted into a Photography program, accepted into a Graduate School program for Higher Education, and thought seriously about going back to pursue my pre-college dreams of becoming a doctor. And that is just in the last year. Imagine all of the things I've thought I wanted to be in the last 5 years, 10 years, or since I was a little girl. I often call my parents and ask if they think I'm crazy when they listen to me over and over again telling them a hundred different things I want to be or do. The problem, I'm realizing, is that I often feel completely lost in the midst of my own life. It's like I'm living  at 120 MPH with no clear direction. And it oftentimes leaves me feeling completely unsettled, completely uncomfortable in the unsteady feeling of lost-ness that surrounds me.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. About being lost and what it means.  About what direction and purpose would look like in my life. And I've been struck by the fact that I'm living my lostness with the same purpose I would if I had a clear goal or clear destination. I wouldn't slow down, I wouldn't do things any differently even if I knew where I was headed and I think that's something beautiful.

How often in our lives do we get the chance to be lost? In high school the goal is to graduate and go on to college. In college the goal is to choose a major, graduate, and go on to find a job. After that we're supposed to find a partner, get married, start a family. While at the same time finding our "niche" in the professional world and continuing to move up the corporate latter to a fancier title, a bigger paycheck, and more time off . And then we'll raise our families to follow in the same pattern before planning out our own retirement. While some of our lives will not play out that way, you can see that there is always a goal, a destination or accomplishment we are striving for. But right here, right now, I don't have any of that. I have no clear idea of what my future looks like in any sense and as much as it can be frustrating and as much as I might desire purpose and the clear mind that comes from going from "lost" to "found", if I focus on what I'm missing in my lostness then I miss all of the living there is to be done right now.

Maybe we're supposed to be lost. And maybe it's okay to be uncomfortable and unsettled. If nothing else, it keeps us living in the here and now with  hopeful spirits for the moment of clarity when the here we are living right now melts into the destination of tomorrow we didn't even know we were headed for.

Being lost may not be the most comfortable place, but wherever I am is exactly where I am supposed to be.

On Taking Your Own Advice

It's hard to believe that the first day of Fall is upon us already. The leaves are beginning to change colors and the breeze has begun to blow with a cool crispness through my now opened windows. This summer has mostly been a good one and my weekends were filled with new adventures (skydiving!) and new accomplishments (triathlons!). And, as life would have it, there were also obstacles I thought I would not overcome and challenges I had not been expecting. It seems I took less pictures and did less of the "usual" summer activities and instead filled my time having new experiences and mastering the art of self-reflection. But, somewhere in the middle of the activities and busy days, obstacles and accomplishments, I forgot to stop for a moment and remember to be who I want to be.

Luckily, I've planned carefully for the moments I realize I'm not being who I want to be. The plan consists mostly of self-reflection, a notebook tucked away with thoughts about life, love, goals and light-hearted encouragement appropriate for reading at any moment, and talks with good friends. You see, I've worked hard at leaving myself reminders to get me back on track when I feel myself drifting from who I want to become. I've also worked hard at surrounding myself with great friends scattered all over the country who encourage me and make me want to be better and do better and see and experience more of the world. They are the kind of friends who make an effort to get together even if it means a not-so-cheap plane ticket or sleeping in uncomfortable situations (if you've ever seen a single dorm room on MIT's campus in Boston crammed with 3 friends, you've seen uncomfortable). And when we can't see each other we write emails, send messages, mail, and "thinking of you" gifts whenever we can while planning out our next shared adventure. They're also the kind of friends who wake up early on a Saturday morning to run part of your 11 mile run with you, offer they're advice on sticky life situations, and come to run you in on your longest triathlon when they know you must be tired. It was these friends that led me to my recent moment of self-reflection and taught me the importance of taking my own advice.

She was having a hard time deciding which job to take and was afraid of disappointing her family. In the midst of her mild freak-out she explained the situation to me and I read her words carefully to make sure I could understand her concerns and help her make a decision that was right for her. "I hate disappointing people," she said, frustration and uncertainty clouding the words that followed. "Man do I know that feeling" I thought to myself. Just this weekend I drove to Michigan to have ice cream with my nephew because I had told him I would be there and I didn't want to disappoint him. "Auntie Ashely is coming to play with you, and we're going to eat ice cream and have lots of fun" I told him over the phone. He didn't say anything back as he usually doesn't. But in his two-and-a-half-year-old understanding he smacked his lips at the sound of the word ice cream and I knew he'd enjoy the time as much as I would. When the weekend got busy and filled with other events I considered cancelling the drive to Michigan and staying home. But I couldn't. When I told my friends I was leaving and explained to them I had called my nephew and told him we'd have ice cream they said "he's 2, I don't think he'll remember if you don't go". They may have been right, but I knew that I would remember. I would remember that I didn't go. I would remember being disappointed later about not making the trip when I very well could have. And so I went. And while the weekend didn't go as planned, I got to have an ice cream date with my two and a half year old nephew on a beautiful Michigan day and create a wonderful memory that I'll carry with me for years to come. Maybe it wouldn't have mattered to him if I'd been there or not, but I knew that if I didn't go I would be disappointed in myself and, to me, there is nothing worse. So, when my friend explained her situation and how she was afraid of disappointing people I offered the only advice I could give from my own experiences: The most important person to not disappoint is yourself.

It's so true, though, isn't it? In trying to please other people we often lose sight of ourselves and our own desires for our lives. We get so busy trying not to disappoint others that we disappoint ourselves in return. And really, at the end of the day, you should be your own #1. You should be top priority and take care of yourself because sometimes you might be all that you have. You should be your number #1 fan, doing things to improve yourself and picking yourself back up when you've failed. You should believe in yourself and the person that you are because what if everyone around you thinks only that you won't succeed? And even if you disappoint everyone else in the world you should strive to never disappoint yourself as when you look back on your life only you can account for your own actions.

I've been thinking of those words this week and reflecting on all the times I offer my advice to other people but don't take it myself or remain too stubborn to see my own shortcomings. I don't want it to be that way. I want to be a person who takes my own advice. Who takes the risks and challenges that head my way lightly as I advise others to. Who lives life with arms wide open. Who gives of myself and lives as selflessly as I encourage others to. I want to be the person that I want my friends to be and live out the advice I'm giving so at the end of the day, in the silence and comfort of my own home, I can feel at peace with who I am.

I hope that summer has treated you well. And, like my friend and I, I hope you have learned the importance of taking your own advice and that the most important person to not disappoint is yourself.

Gavin with his Ice Cream covered face after our date this weekend.

24

Tomorrow I will turn 24. 24 isn't a significant number or age that I've been waiting on with great anticipation and it doesn't mark some great milestone. Really, It's just another year gone by; another day in July lived out similar to all the rest. But, I'll be honest, I like birthdays. I like the chance to stop and reflect and look back on another year of life in hopes that in that year I've done something worthwhile; something that will outlive me and make the world a better place. I like the small surprises from people who remembered its your birthday and call just to wish you a happy day. And I like having a birthday week and a birthday month and taking opportunities to do something nice for myself and use that as an excuse (I know I don't NEED another dress, but it is my birthday month after all ;-) )

I like setting aside a day to celebrate me; to celebrate all of the years that have lead up to this point in my life, knowing that I can't take a day or second of those years back but can use them to move into the future. I like thinking back on all of the special moments that I've had in my life and the people that I've met along the way that have helped me become the person that I am today. And I like celebrating all that I am, in the core of my being, and the person that I am becoming. A person who thinks and feels and cares. A person who dreams and loves and hurts. And a person who laughs and shares. Birthdays are a time to celebrate who I am and a time to realize that I am worth celebrating. Because if we're honest with ourselves, at the end of the day we're all that we have. And if I don't take care of myself, who will? If I don't appreciate myself, can I expect others to? If I don't love myself, how can I love you? Birthdays are a time to look back and appreciate the years and moments and people that make you who you are. But they're also a time to appreciate and celebrate you and your life.

There is a song called "24" by the group Switchfoot that has long been one of my favorite songs. As I turn 24, I listen to the song with a new found appreciation for many of the lyrics and the ability to let them speak to me in a whole new way. I'll share some of them with you here:

Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago

Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong

And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago

And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
But I wan to be one today
Centered and true

I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestle the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause

Twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts.
I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out.

To me, this song is about living for more and being "centered and true" to ourselves with out "copping out". I don't want to cop out. Ever. And its okay when life isn't what I thought it was going to be just yesterday.And its even more okay for me to be a newer, better, different person today than I was yesterday. This part of my life is all about change. Its about finding out what I want for myself and for my life. It's about having new experiences and discovering parts of me I never knew existed. Its about finding out who I want to be and how I want to spend all of the days of the life that I have. And its so exciting to take on each new year, each new adventure, with open arms.

Tomorrow I will turn 24. I will spend the day celebrating the me that I am today. And even if it isn't your birthday, I hope that you will spend the day celebrating you as well. You are worth it, after all.

Self Moments

On Tuesday evenings a group of people gather at Up and Running here in Dayton to get in an hours worth of running and enjoy the company of others. They are people from all walks of life, who do all sorts of different things, but who get together to enjoy the sport of running. I started going to improve my running and learn to run longer distances. I keep going back for the wonderful company and great friendships that develop over the miles.

I was on my Tuesday run this week when we started to talk about "Self Moments". I was running with two ladies who began to share stories of their lives and of moments that they did something on their own that made them feel a stronger sense of self. Some of their experiences were tough ones, ones that they wouldn't wish on anyone and would rather not relive, but those experiences lead them to self moments where they knew they could stand on their own. Other experiences that they shared were ones of hope and of love; of having kids, getting married, and of overcoming obstacles to stand tall and proud in who they had become. As I listened to the conversation and reminisced about some of the self moments I have had myself, I felt inspired to be surrounded by so many people who were willing to give of themselves and share their stories to impact others. They are people who realize that self moments are so important, for in those moments, we become more and more the people that we are meant to be.

I hope that my life is filled with self moments. Moments of unfailing hope and unshakable faith. Moments of unconditional love and an overwhelming sense of accomplishment. And also moments of sorrow and of hurt; moments that are so tough that I never want to experience them again and others that are so beautiful I can't relive them enough. I want my life to be full of experiences and full of moments where I can stand up and be proud of who I am and who I am becoming no matter what the circumstance. And in these self moments, I hope that I will be as open and sharing as these ladies were so that my own experiences can uplift and inspire others.

I had a self moment recently: Crossing the finish line of my 2nd half marathon in Indianapolis. I had set a goal to not walk at all this time and to finish around 2 hours and 15 minutes. It was the last mile and I was tired. TIRED as in EXHAUSTED. I didn't want to run anymore, I wanted to stop and walk and get some water and maybe an ice cream cone (or two). I wanted to stop.Right.There. But I wasn't running by myself this time, I had a friend beside me. A friend who wouldn't let me stop and a friend who pushed me all the way to the finish line. And when I did finally cross the finish line and had met all of my goals I felt proud of myself. So proud. Because I didn't give up. And because, this half marathon, I had a friend to run beside me.

Becky and I running on the Indianapolis 500 track. I know its a little blurry, but its difficult to take a good picture when you're running as FAST as we were :-)
A whole group of us in our corral before the start. I have great people to run with!
A new picture of Gavin from my weekend home a few weeks ago. Playing in the pond.
I love this little guy.
Such a big boy.

I hope that this post finds you doing well, experiencing life, and having "self moments" of your own.

Much love,

Tough Love

Easter weekend my good friend Jaclyn came to visit. We've started our own little Easter tradition...the first year both traveling in to Boston for the weekend, last year I visited her on Cape Cod, and this year she came all the way from Providence, Rhode Island to visit me in Dayton, Ohio. It just so happened that that same weekend Liz was home from Graduate School, and my friend Brittany was celebrating her birthday. So, I was able to spend time with many of my good friends all at once. Here are some pictures of the weekend

At a park overlooking Cincinnati.
Liz and I sitting on the wall
Same picture with everyone else
Jac and I hiking in Yellow Springs

Celebrating Jaclyn's Birthday!

A few months ago, in the heart of Winter, I was planning a ski trip with some of my friends. Not a big trip, just a night of skiing at a local Mountain here in Ohio. Okay, okay, it wasn't exactly a "mountain" but you get the idea. Anyways, the more we talked about and planned the trip the less and less excited I became. And this isn't like me. Usually, I'm excited for everything. Literally, EVERYTHING. Plus I love skiing so I became frustrated at myself for not being excited which just made the vicious cycle worse. So I called my Dad. Mostly because he knows me so well and can tell it like it is to me. He listened to me complain about having to teach people to ski and how I wasn't going to get to even do any runs and how it wasn't going to be any fun and on and on and on. Then, he said to me: "So what? It's not about you, Ash, you're going to help your friends learn to ski. Go. And have fun." That was it, he had put me in my place and he was right, it wasn't about me. So, we went skiing and my friends learned to ski. I did have fun. And I even got to do a couple of good runs.

Sometimes tough love is all you need. Someone who knows you and isn't afraid to put you in your place so that you can recenter yourself and move forward. Someone who isn't afraid to tell you that it isn't about you, because, if we're honest with ourselves, most of the time, it isn't. I've skied down a mountain hundreds of times. But never with those friends on that mountain. My Dad helped me realize that it was more about being there, for my friends, being in the moment having fun and not getting so worked up about myself. And he helped me to remember that I want to live a life that isn't always about me. He showed me that tough love is always necessary.

In my short life, I've already been given some of the best friends anyone could ask for. Friends who aren't afraid of tough love. Who tell me like it is and put me in my place when I need it. Friends that, like my Dad, help me to remember the person that I want to be. And even more than that, they are friends that I can laugh with, who aren't afraid of adventures, and who constantly inspire me to see more and do more and experience more. They inspire me to be better, everyday.

I appreciate tough love. Even when its hard and I don't want to hear it. I needed to be reminded this Winter that a night of skiing wasn't about me, it was about my friends and it was about making memories and having new experiences together. And I need to remind myself often that I want to live a life that isn't about me, it's about serving and helping others.

Broken Hearted

Does your heart ever break for things that you see happening around you? Do you ever watch something on the news or hear something awful that breaks your heart for others?

This happens to me, and time and time again, my heart breaks for children and hurting people all over the world.

I had the opportunity to hear Greg Mortenson, the author of Three Cups of Tea, speak last night.If you haven't read the book, I highly recommend it. To sum it up very quickly, Mortenson sets out to climb K2-the world's 2nd highest peak-in memory of his sister. Putting it lightly, things go very wrong on the 70 day climb and the seasoned mountain climber finds himself lost, disappointed, and recovering in a tiny village called Korphe nestled in the mountains of Pakistan. Throughout his time in the village, Mortenson not only forges a bond with the Pakistani people, but finds the children of the village teaching themselves with sticks in the dirt, without a school and without a teacher. To thank the village for their kindness and generosity, he promises to return to Pakistan and build them a school. Holding true to his promise, he returns to to the U.S. with a single-minded drive to raise enough money to return to Korphe and build his school. So, what began as a simple quest to repay 1 tiny village, has transformed into a humanitarian effort to provide education for the children of Pakistan and Afghanistan, specifically focused on educating girls, and promote peace through education.

As I sat listening to Greg Mortenson in the auditorium, so full that people were viewing live-feed video from other rooms on campus, my heart was breaking. It was breaking as he shared stories of the number of un-educated children in these countries and the tragic effects that that lack of education was having on their society. It was breaking as Greg shared stories of the many trials and tribulations he had faced in bringing schools to such a controversial and war-torn region of the world. And it was breaking as he shared stories and statistics on the lives of children and young girls all over the world.

But beyond the heartbreak, I was completely inspired and filled with an overwhelming sense of joy for the children whose lives were being changed because 1 person decided to make a difference. One person. Who took a broken heart and did something with it. And that "something" not only changed the world, but changed the lives of many children around the world and gave them opportunities that once seemed like a distant dream.

Greg Mortenson is inspiring and he has used his life to make a profound difference in the world. He is proof that one person, with a lot of passion, can make a difference.

I want to be broken hearted. I want to hurt for those who hurt and feel for those who struggle. And I want that broken-hearted spirit to lead me on to find my own way to make a difference and impact the world around me.

I want to be inspiring. I want to make a difference.

And because I haven't shared pictures in a while, Here are some from my first "official" photography session-Senior pictures of my good friend Brittany who is graduating next month with her Bachelor's and her Master's degree from the University of Dayton.

I know you can't see her very well in this one, through some books in the library, but I like the laughter you can see in this picture!