I do. Often. I feel lost in the realm of possibilities of what my future holds. In the last year alone I've been accepted into a Photography program, accepted into a Graduate School program for Higher Education, and thought seriously about going back to pursue my pre-college dreams of becoming a doctor. And that is just in the last year. Imagine all of the things I've thought I wanted to be in the last 5 years, 10 years, or since I was a little girl. I often call my parents and ask if they think I'm crazy when they listen to me over and over again telling them a hundred different things I want to be or do. The problem, I'm realizing, is that I often feel completely lost in the midst of my own life. It's like I'm living at 120 MPH with no clear direction. And it oftentimes leaves me feeling completely unsettled, completely uncomfortable in the unsteady feeling of lost-ness that surrounds me.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. About being lost and what it means. About what direction and purpose would look like in my life. And I've been struck by the fact that I'm living my lostness with the same purpose I would if I had a clear goal or clear destination. I wouldn't slow down, I wouldn't do things any differently even if I knew where I was headed and I think that's something beautiful.
How often in our lives do we get the chance to be lost? In high school the goal is to graduate and go on to college. In college the goal is to choose a major, graduate, and go on to find a job. After that we're supposed to find a partner, get married, start a family. While at the same time finding our "niche" in the professional world and continuing to move up the corporate latter to a fancier title, a bigger paycheck, and more time off . And then we'll raise our families to follow in the same pattern before planning out our own retirement. While some of our lives will not play out that way, you can see that there is always a goal, a destination or accomplishment we are striving for. But right here, right now, I don't have any of that. I have no clear idea of what my future looks like in any sense and as much as it can be frustrating and as much as I might desire purpose and the clear mind that comes from going from "lost" to "found", if I focus on what I'm missing in my lostness then I miss all of the living there is to be done right now.
Maybe we're supposed to be lost. And maybe it's okay to be uncomfortable and unsettled. If nothing else, it keeps us living in the here and now with hopeful spirits for the moment of clarity when the here we are living right now melts into the destination of tomorrow we didn't even know we were headed for.
Being lost may not be the most comfortable place, but wherever I am is exactly where I am supposed to be.
1 comment:
Believe me when I say I totally understand where you are coming from!When Garrett and I decided we wanted to have kids, in the end we decided the conventional route just wasn't for us. Like most I wanted to wait until I graduated from college and settled into a nice job. However I have at least 3 years of college left, Ive changed my major twice.Also I would have to get my career off the ground with the bare minimum of a year in a company. We could have a baby by the time we were thirty IF I went to school full time and figured it all out NOW. I say defiantly do what makes you happy! Either way the unknown is always a little scary. I do my best and dont worry about how society says it should be done :)Allie
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