Lost

Do you ever feel lost? In any way at all?

I do. Often. I feel lost in the realm of possibilities of what my future holds. In the last year alone I've been accepted into a Photography program, accepted into a Graduate School program for Higher Education, and thought seriously about going back to pursue my pre-college dreams of becoming a doctor. And that is just in the last year. Imagine all of the things I've thought I wanted to be in the last 5 years, 10 years, or since I was a little girl. I often call my parents and ask if they think I'm crazy when they listen to me over and over again telling them a hundred different things I want to be or do. The problem, I'm realizing, is that I often feel completely lost in the midst of my own life. It's like I'm living  at 120 MPH with no clear direction. And it oftentimes leaves me feeling completely unsettled, completely uncomfortable in the unsteady feeling of lost-ness that surrounds me.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. About being lost and what it means.  About what direction and purpose would look like in my life. And I've been struck by the fact that I'm living my lostness with the same purpose I would if I had a clear goal or clear destination. I wouldn't slow down, I wouldn't do things any differently even if I knew where I was headed and I think that's something beautiful.

How often in our lives do we get the chance to be lost? In high school the goal is to graduate and go on to college. In college the goal is to choose a major, graduate, and go on to find a job. After that we're supposed to find a partner, get married, start a family. While at the same time finding our "niche" in the professional world and continuing to move up the corporate latter to a fancier title, a bigger paycheck, and more time off . And then we'll raise our families to follow in the same pattern before planning out our own retirement. While some of our lives will not play out that way, you can see that there is always a goal, a destination or accomplishment we are striving for. But right here, right now, I don't have any of that. I have no clear idea of what my future looks like in any sense and as much as it can be frustrating and as much as I might desire purpose and the clear mind that comes from going from "lost" to "found", if I focus on what I'm missing in my lostness then I miss all of the living there is to be done right now.

Maybe we're supposed to be lost. And maybe it's okay to be uncomfortable and unsettled. If nothing else, it keeps us living in the here and now with  hopeful spirits for the moment of clarity when the here we are living right now melts into the destination of tomorrow we didn't even know we were headed for.

Being lost may not be the most comfortable place, but wherever I am is exactly where I am supposed to be.

On Taking Your Own Advice

It's hard to believe that the first day of Fall is upon us already. The leaves are beginning to change colors and the breeze has begun to blow with a cool crispness through my now opened windows. This summer has mostly been a good one and my weekends were filled with new adventures (skydiving!) and new accomplishments (triathlons!). And, as life would have it, there were also obstacles I thought I would not overcome and challenges I had not been expecting. It seems I took less pictures and did less of the "usual" summer activities and instead filled my time having new experiences and mastering the art of self-reflection. But, somewhere in the middle of the activities and busy days, obstacles and accomplishments, I forgot to stop for a moment and remember to be who I want to be.

Luckily, I've planned carefully for the moments I realize I'm not being who I want to be. The plan consists mostly of self-reflection, a notebook tucked away with thoughts about life, love, goals and light-hearted encouragement appropriate for reading at any moment, and talks with good friends. You see, I've worked hard at leaving myself reminders to get me back on track when I feel myself drifting from who I want to become. I've also worked hard at surrounding myself with great friends scattered all over the country who encourage me and make me want to be better and do better and see and experience more of the world. They are the kind of friends who make an effort to get together even if it means a not-so-cheap plane ticket or sleeping in uncomfortable situations (if you've ever seen a single dorm room on MIT's campus in Boston crammed with 3 friends, you've seen uncomfortable). And when we can't see each other we write emails, send messages, mail, and "thinking of you" gifts whenever we can while planning out our next shared adventure. They're also the kind of friends who wake up early on a Saturday morning to run part of your 11 mile run with you, offer they're advice on sticky life situations, and come to run you in on your longest triathlon when they know you must be tired. It was these friends that led me to my recent moment of self-reflection and taught me the importance of taking my own advice.

She was having a hard time deciding which job to take and was afraid of disappointing her family. In the midst of her mild freak-out she explained the situation to me and I read her words carefully to make sure I could understand her concerns and help her make a decision that was right for her. "I hate disappointing people," she said, frustration and uncertainty clouding the words that followed. "Man do I know that feeling" I thought to myself. Just this weekend I drove to Michigan to have ice cream with my nephew because I had told him I would be there and I didn't want to disappoint him. "Auntie Ashely is coming to play with you, and we're going to eat ice cream and have lots of fun" I told him over the phone. He didn't say anything back as he usually doesn't. But in his two-and-a-half-year-old understanding he smacked his lips at the sound of the word ice cream and I knew he'd enjoy the time as much as I would. When the weekend got busy and filled with other events I considered cancelling the drive to Michigan and staying home. But I couldn't. When I told my friends I was leaving and explained to them I had called my nephew and told him we'd have ice cream they said "he's 2, I don't think he'll remember if you don't go". They may have been right, but I knew that I would remember. I would remember that I didn't go. I would remember being disappointed later about not making the trip when I very well could have. And so I went. And while the weekend didn't go as planned, I got to have an ice cream date with my two and a half year old nephew on a beautiful Michigan day and create a wonderful memory that I'll carry with me for years to come. Maybe it wouldn't have mattered to him if I'd been there or not, but I knew that if I didn't go I would be disappointed in myself and, to me, there is nothing worse. So, when my friend explained her situation and how she was afraid of disappointing people I offered the only advice I could give from my own experiences: The most important person to not disappoint is yourself.

It's so true, though, isn't it? In trying to please other people we often lose sight of ourselves and our own desires for our lives. We get so busy trying not to disappoint others that we disappoint ourselves in return. And really, at the end of the day, you should be your own #1. You should be top priority and take care of yourself because sometimes you might be all that you have. You should be your number #1 fan, doing things to improve yourself and picking yourself back up when you've failed. You should believe in yourself and the person that you are because what if everyone around you thinks only that you won't succeed? And even if you disappoint everyone else in the world you should strive to never disappoint yourself as when you look back on your life only you can account for your own actions.

I've been thinking of those words this week and reflecting on all the times I offer my advice to other people but don't take it myself or remain too stubborn to see my own shortcomings. I don't want it to be that way. I want to be a person who takes my own advice. Who takes the risks and challenges that head my way lightly as I advise others to. Who lives life with arms wide open. Who gives of myself and lives as selflessly as I encourage others to. I want to be the person that I want my friends to be and live out the advice I'm giving so at the end of the day, in the silence and comfort of my own home, I can feel at peace with who I am.

I hope that summer has treated you well. And, like my friend and I, I hope you have learned the importance of taking your own advice and that the most important person to not disappoint is yourself.

Gavin with his Ice Cream covered face after our date this weekend.

24

Tomorrow I will turn 24. 24 isn't a significant number or age that I've been waiting on with great anticipation and it doesn't mark some great milestone. Really, It's just another year gone by; another day in July lived out similar to all the rest. But, I'll be honest, I like birthdays. I like the chance to stop and reflect and look back on another year of life in hopes that in that year I've done something worthwhile; something that will outlive me and make the world a better place. I like the small surprises from people who remembered its your birthday and call just to wish you a happy day. And I like having a birthday week and a birthday month and taking opportunities to do something nice for myself and use that as an excuse (I know I don't NEED another dress, but it is my birthday month after all ;-) )

I like setting aside a day to celebrate me; to celebrate all of the years that have lead up to this point in my life, knowing that I can't take a day or second of those years back but can use them to move into the future. I like thinking back on all of the special moments that I've had in my life and the people that I've met along the way that have helped me become the person that I am today. And I like celebrating all that I am, in the core of my being, and the person that I am becoming. A person who thinks and feels and cares. A person who dreams and loves and hurts. And a person who laughs and shares. Birthdays are a time to celebrate who I am and a time to realize that I am worth celebrating. Because if we're honest with ourselves, at the end of the day we're all that we have. And if I don't take care of myself, who will? If I don't appreciate myself, can I expect others to? If I don't love myself, how can I love you? Birthdays are a time to look back and appreciate the years and moments and people that make you who you are. But they're also a time to appreciate and celebrate you and your life.

There is a song called "24" by the group Switchfoot that has long been one of my favorite songs. As I turn 24, I listen to the song with a new found appreciation for many of the lyrics and the ability to let them speak to me in a whole new way. I'll share some of them with you here:

Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago

Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong

And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago

And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
But I wan to be one today
Centered and true

I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestle the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause

Twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts.
I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out.

To me, this song is about living for more and being "centered and true" to ourselves with out "copping out". I don't want to cop out. Ever. And its okay when life isn't what I thought it was going to be just yesterday.And its even more okay for me to be a newer, better, different person today than I was yesterday. This part of my life is all about change. Its about finding out what I want for myself and for my life. It's about having new experiences and discovering parts of me I never knew existed. Its about finding out who I want to be and how I want to spend all of the days of the life that I have. And its so exciting to take on each new year, each new adventure, with open arms.

Tomorrow I will turn 24. I will spend the day celebrating the me that I am today. And even if it isn't your birthday, I hope that you will spend the day celebrating you as well. You are worth it, after all.

Self Moments

On Tuesday evenings a group of people gather at Up and Running here in Dayton to get in an hours worth of running and enjoy the company of others. They are people from all walks of life, who do all sorts of different things, but who get together to enjoy the sport of running. I started going to improve my running and learn to run longer distances. I keep going back for the wonderful company and great friendships that develop over the miles.

I was on my Tuesday run this week when we started to talk about "Self Moments". I was running with two ladies who began to share stories of their lives and of moments that they did something on their own that made them feel a stronger sense of self. Some of their experiences were tough ones, ones that they wouldn't wish on anyone and would rather not relive, but those experiences lead them to self moments where they knew they could stand on their own. Other experiences that they shared were ones of hope and of love; of having kids, getting married, and of overcoming obstacles to stand tall and proud in who they had become. As I listened to the conversation and reminisced about some of the self moments I have had myself, I felt inspired to be surrounded by so many people who were willing to give of themselves and share their stories to impact others. They are people who realize that self moments are so important, for in those moments, we become more and more the people that we are meant to be.

I hope that my life is filled with self moments. Moments of unfailing hope and unshakable faith. Moments of unconditional love and an overwhelming sense of accomplishment. And also moments of sorrow and of hurt; moments that are so tough that I never want to experience them again and others that are so beautiful I can't relive them enough. I want my life to be full of experiences and full of moments where I can stand up and be proud of who I am and who I am becoming no matter what the circumstance. And in these self moments, I hope that I will be as open and sharing as these ladies were so that my own experiences can uplift and inspire others.

I had a self moment recently: Crossing the finish line of my 2nd half marathon in Indianapolis. I had set a goal to not walk at all this time and to finish around 2 hours and 15 minutes. It was the last mile and I was tired. TIRED as in EXHAUSTED. I didn't want to run anymore, I wanted to stop and walk and get some water and maybe an ice cream cone (or two). I wanted to stop.Right.There. But I wasn't running by myself this time, I had a friend beside me. A friend who wouldn't let me stop and a friend who pushed me all the way to the finish line. And when I did finally cross the finish line and had met all of my goals I felt proud of myself. So proud. Because I didn't give up. And because, this half marathon, I had a friend to run beside me.

Becky and I running on the Indianapolis 500 track. I know its a little blurry, but its difficult to take a good picture when you're running as FAST as we were :-)
A whole group of us in our corral before the start. I have great people to run with!
A new picture of Gavin from my weekend home a few weeks ago. Playing in the pond.
I love this little guy.
Such a big boy.

I hope that this post finds you doing well, experiencing life, and having "self moments" of your own.

Much love,

Tough Love

Easter weekend my good friend Jaclyn came to visit. We've started our own little Easter tradition...the first year both traveling in to Boston for the weekend, last year I visited her on Cape Cod, and this year she came all the way from Providence, Rhode Island to visit me in Dayton, Ohio. It just so happened that that same weekend Liz was home from Graduate School, and my friend Brittany was celebrating her birthday. So, I was able to spend time with many of my good friends all at once. Here are some pictures of the weekend

At a park overlooking Cincinnati.
Liz and I sitting on the wall
Same picture with everyone else
Jac and I hiking in Yellow Springs

Celebrating Jaclyn's Birthday!

A few months ago, in the heart of Winter, I was planning a ski trip with some of my friends. Not a big trip, just a night of skiing at a local Mountain here in Ohio. Okay, okay, it wasn't exactly a "mountain" but you get the idea. Anyways, the more we talked about and planned the trip the less and less excited I became. And this isn't like me. Usually, I'm excited for everything. Literally, EVERYTHING. Plus I love skiing so I became frustrated at myself for not being excited which just made the vicious cycle worse. So I called my Dad. Mostly because he knows me so well and can tell it like it is to me. He listened to me complain about having to teach people to ski and how I wasn't going to get to even do any runs and how it wasn't going to be any fun and on and on and on. Then, he said to me: "So what? It's not about you, Ash, you're going to help your friends learn to ski. Go. And have fun." That was it, he had put me in my place and he was right, it wasn't about me. So, we went skiing and my friends learned to ski. I did have fun. And I even got to do a couple of good runs.

Sometimes tough love is all you need. Someone who knows you and isn't afraid to put you in your place so that you can recenter yourself and move forward. Someone who isn't afraid to tell you that it isn't about you, because, if we're honest with ourselves, most of the time, it isn't. I've skied down a mountain hundreds of times. But never with those friends on that mountain. My Dad helped me realize that it was more about being there, for my friends, being in the moment having fun and not getting so worked up about myself. And he helped me to remember that I want to live a life that isn't always about me. He showed me that tough love is always necessary.

In my short life, I've already been given some of the best friends anyone could ask for. Friends who aren't afraid of tough love. Who tell me like it is and put me in my place when I need it. Friends that, like my Dad, help me to remember the person that I want to be. And even more than that, they are friends that I can laugh with, who aren't afraid of adventures, and who constantly inspire me to see more and do more and experience more. They inspire me to be better, everyday.

I appreciate tough love. Even when its hard and I don't want to hear it. I needed to be reminded this Winter that a night of skiing wasn't about me, it was about my friends and it was about making memories and having new experiences together. And I need to remind myself often that I want to live a life that isn't about me, it's about serving and helping others.

Broken Hearted

Does your heart ever break for things that you see happening around you? Do you ever watch something on the news or hear something awful that breaks your heart for others?

This happens to me, and time and time again, my heart breaks for children and hurting people all over the world.

I had the opportunity to hear Greg Mortenson, the author of Three Cups of Tea, speak last night.If you haven't read the book, I highly recommend it. To sum it up very quickly, Mortenson sets out to climb K2-the world's 2nd highest peak-in memory of his sister. Putting it lightly, things go very wrong on the 70 day climb and the seasoned mountain climber finds himself lost, disappointed, and recovering in a tiny village called Korphe nestled in the mountains of Pakistan. Throughout his time in the village, Mortenson not only forges a bond with the Pakistani people, but finds the children of the village teaching themselves with sticks in the dirt, without a school and without a teacher. To thank the village for their kindness and generosity, he promises to return to Pakistan and build them a school. Holding true to his promise, he returns to to the U.S. with a single-minded drive to raise enough money to return to Korphe and build his school. So, what began as a simple quest to repay 1 tiny village, has transformed into a humanitarian effort to provide education for the children of Pakistan and Afghanistan, specifically focused on educating girls, and promote peace through education.

As I sat listening to Greg Mortenson in the auditorium, so full that people were viewing live-feed video from other rooms on campus, my heart was breaking. It was breaking as he shared stories of the number of un-educated children in these countries and the tragic effects that that lack of education was having on their society. It was breaking as Greg shared stories of the many trials and tribulations he had faced in bringing schools to such a controversial and war-torn region of the world. And it was breaking as he shared stories and statistics on the lives of children and young girls all over the world.

But beyond the heartbreak, I was completely inspired and filled with an overwhelming sense of joy for the children whose lives were being changed because 1 person decided to make a difference. One person. Who took a broken heart and did something with it. And that "something" not only changed the world, but changed the lives of many children around the world and gave them opportunities that once seemed like a distant dream.

Greg Mortenson is inspiring and he has used his life to make a profound difference in the world. He is proof that one person, with a lot of passion, can make a difference.

I want to be broken hearted. I want to hurt for those who hurt and feel for those who struggle. And I want that broken-hearted spirit to lead me on to find my own way to make a difference and impact the world around me.

I want to be inspiring. I want to make a difference.

And because I haven't shared pictures in a while, Here are some from my first "official" photography session-Senior pictures of my good friend Brittany who is graduating next month with her Bachelor's and her Master's degree from the University of Dayton.

I know you can't see her very well in this one, through some books in the library, but I like the laughter you can see in this picture!

So much to share!

It's been long. Too long. And I have a lot to share. I'll catch up on the past few months very soon, but in the meantime, I wanted to share some recent pictures that I've been loving lately:

Ben and I in his new apartment...I think this one shows our personalities well!
Krystal and I having fun at Ikea...I love seeing the laughter on our faces...and how proud my Dad will be when he sees this!
Gavin's 2nd birthday party. Love this picture. Gavin looks so happy and my Mom, well she's just beautiful.
Gavin reading a book! I've always loved books, since I was a little girl, and I love seeing Gavin enjoying books as well.
Jason and Daniela on top of a lookout tower in the Rainforest in Puerto Rico. I love the feel of it.
A sunset in St. Thomas.
Ben, Daniela, and Jason climbing into the water to snorkel in St. Thomas...LOVE the colors in this one.
The four of us trying to take a "jumping" picture in the Bahamas...I love this one because of the HUGE smiles on everyone's faces!

Coming soon: More from my Caribbean cruise vacation, Gavin's 2nd birthday party, a Fortune Cookie goal, Snowed in in Ohio, and a new running challenge. I hope that this post finds you well and enjoying the rest of winter.

Get My Picture on the TOMS Blog...CHECK!!!

Woohooooooo I've made it on the TOMS Blog :-) If you've been following my blog for awhile now, you know that I love TOMS Shoes. If you haven't heard of them, TOMS Shoes is a company that gives one pair of shoes to a child in need for every pair that you purchase. You buy one pair, they give one pair a way. One for One, thats their motto. To me, that alone is pretty sweet. But what makes TOMS Shoes even MORE awesome is that you can actually participate in the giving of shoes to children in need all around the world by going on something called a Shoe Drop. AND these shoes are given to children in countries like Argentina, South Africa, Ethiopia,Africa, Haiti, the United States and more. So, you buy a pair of awesome looking and super comfortable shoes for yourself while at the same time TOMS is giving a pair to a child in need somewhere in the world. And you can be there. Putting shoes onto the feet of children who have never owned their own pair of shoes. It is truly something beautiful and I can not say enough good things about them. You should check them out here: http://www.tomsshoes.com/default.asp

Anyways, TOMS Shoes has a blog. A blog where they communicate with their fans (people like me who spread the word about the One for One movement) and occasionally post pictures that fans send in of people wearing their TOMS in cool places or posing with their TOMS flag (which comes in the box with your shoes when you purchase them). It's been my goal for quite some time now to make it on the TOMS blog. And finally, after getting creative and having someone (thanks Ben!) take a few pictures for me on my recent vacation in the Caribbean, I'VE MADE IT ON THE TOMS BLOG!!

You can view the posting here: http://www.tomsshoesblog.com/http:/www.tomsshoesblog.com/toms-in-the-carribean

I love TOMS shoes and I'm so proud to be spreading the word of their One for One movement. You don't have to take my word for it, If you don't believe little old me about just how awesome they are, you should probably get a pair and see for yourself :-)

I hope that everyone is doing well! I'll be posting pictures and stories about my vacation soon!

Much love,

Albion Abroad

I found Albion College in a run-down orphanage in Ludus, Romania.

It was a one hour drive on narrow, two lane roads that wound through small roadside villages to reach the town of Ludus. We traveled by Maxi Taxi, or small bus,as a group to visit one of the worst orphanages in the country of Romania. Simply called "Ludus", this orphanage had a reputation for being a terrible place for any child to have grown up and non-profit agencies fought the government for many years to have the place shut down. We were allowed no cameras, had to show our passports to get in, and our mere presence was cause for commotion. In fact, the first time we had tried to visit the children there we were forced to leave without making any contact at all. This time, as we made the drive from Targu Mures, where we were staying, to Ludus, we were hopeful that we would have the chance to play with some of the children living within Ludus' walls that so desperately needed the love and attention we were there to provide. As we pulled into town and drove down a narrow street we saw the gates and long tree-lined driveway that lead to the three story building that was Ludus orphanage. Our Taxi driver let us out at the end and we were left to walk up the pathway to the orphanage staff and children that awaited us. It was an eerie walk, one I remember as if it were yesterday, as we looked around and realized how dire the situation was for the children who resided here. There was a distinct unpleasant odor that filled our noses as we walked together on the cracked, uneven pavement. We glanced around to see merely 1 swing set and play area that had been so poorly taken care of you wondered how it remained standing. The weeds were overgrown to such an extent that many of them reached above the windows of the surrounding buildings. We reached the entrance and formed a line to show our passports to the administrator who was unhappily awaiting our arrival. It was then that I saw her: a young teen stepping out of the orphanages main doors among a few other curious children who eyed us oddly as we stepped into their world. I noticed nothing else about this girl except the gold t-shirt she wore with purple lettering that read "Albion College Basketball". I immediately stepped out of line and walked up to her. In my broken Romanian I said "Where did you get that shirt?". Her response "from a boy who come here". A boy. From Albion College. Was here. HERE. In this very orphanage. In this very city. of Romania. And he had given her a shirt, probably because it was all that he had to give, to leave with her, as a memory and token of his visit. My heart jumped out of my chest and I had never been so proud of the small nineteen-hundred-fifty student population that was, and is, Albion College. I found Albion College that day, found what it means to be a part of a place that gives you the education and experience to impact the world.

I read THIS article today about Albion College helping out in Haiti. The picture you will see with the article is of a woman, in an Albion College t-shirt, holding a small child in what is probably some sort of relief shelter for survivors of the devastation in Haiti. This article reminded me of my encounter with Albion College in Romania and made me even more proud of my Alma Mater. It makes me proud to know that even the tiniest of schools can have a presence in helping people in need all across the globe.

And because all posts deserve a picture, the picture below is from my Freshman year at Albion taken of my good friend Aimee and I at a swim meet where we both competed for the Albion College Britons.

I left my own Albion College t-shirt with an orphan in Romania. I hope another student sees it one day and feels the same pride that I felt that day standing on the steps of Ludus, one of the worst orphanages in Romania, to be connected to Albion College as it reaches out to help the world.